Many people have problems with openly expressing our sexuality. We think people will judge us if they really knew who we are, and they do. It’s already hard finding someone who’s considered “normal”, let alone looking for someone who shares your kinks and is interested in dating you.
BDSM is an acronym used to describe sexual groups including Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. Not everyone is into BDSM but if you are one of those people who just discovered that they like getting whipped, chained, gagged, and/or dominated and think that they’re alone or that there is something wrong with them, there is no need to worry.
Finding a BDSM Partner
BDSM used to be considered a deviation. Then the internet went mainstream and changed the way people think. It was extremely hard to find someone who is into the same kinky stuff you like. I mean imagine being an average jane or joe who likes getting tied up and being ordered around. There is no internet, where would you even go to find someone like that, the local bar?
In this blog post, we are going to explore where to look for a BDSM partner, and how to be safe whether you want a temporary hook-up, a “friends with benefits” situation, or even a full-on relationship with a person you share amazing sexual chemistry with. But before we do that, you need to figure out what you want and what kinks and fetishes you’re into. This may sound obvious but most people do not even know where to begin because they’re too busy trying to conform themselves to an acceptable image that the society has concocted for them. You can do this by consulting a professional intimacy coach or a clinical sexologist.
Here are some steps you need to take to find a partner/partners(we don’t judge) who are in the BDSM community:
1- Reddit
The anonymity internet has provided us with has made us open to new experiences. This may come as a complete surprise to you but Reddit has some wonderful subreddits catering to people who are new to exploring their fetishes. It can be completely anonymous and you don’t have to worry about people judging you for what you like. Some of the subreddits that we recommend are r/BDSM, r/BDSMpersonals, and r/BDSMAdvice.
2- Fetlife
Fetlife is like Facebook, but for kinky people. It is a social media platform for like-minded people who are into similar fetishes and kinks. Sliding into a stranger’s dm may not be the best way to go about using Fetlife though. We recommend Fetlife to join groups with similar interests and try to find and attend local events and socialize with kinky people.
3- OkCupid
OkCupid asks a lot of questions about sexual preferences that you can choose to keep private. This might match you with potential partners keeping your kinks private because the answers add to their matching algorithm.
4- Munches
A munch is a gathering of kinky people in bars, parks, local pubs, and even restaurants. You can find munches using social media, google, and the good ol’ word of mouth. Fetlife lets you filter munches by geographical location. You can also try online websites like “findamunch.com” to connect with kink-minded individuals.
5- Word of mouth
This is mostly related to munches and events in your area. You can go to gatherings and talk about your likes and dislikes. You’ll likely find someone with the same interests. Even if you don’t feel like they are compatible partners. You have to be open to striking up friendships. Using word of mouth, gossip, and recommendations to find out about potential partners might be the safest, most reliable method overall.
6- Google BDSM conventions
You can even use Google search to find a kinky partner who’s into BDSM. All you have to do is type phrases like “BDSM”, “Dom”, “Bondage” etcetera in quotation marks and add your location at the end of the search phrase. While this may not work for small cities, it can give you an idea about BDSM conventions and gatherings happening in your area.
7- Online BDSM dating sites
Kinkd and other online BDSM dating sites may be one of the easiest ways to find a BDSM partner online. Kinkd asks every user to submit their IDs for verification. This way, you can avoid getting catfished. This might be a little problematic if you’re privacy-conscious and do not want to upload your ID to an online dating website.
Contrary to popular belief, being vanilla is not as universal as it used to be before. Open-minded people do not look down on you if you’re kinky or into BDSM. People are more curious about the idea of dating individuals who share their kinks rather than being stuck in a vanilla relationship trying to be someone they are not. However, staying safe while you look for a BDSM partner is important. BDSM does not mean an open license for abuse. You need to develop trust and not go deep too early. Setting boundaries and safe words with your partner is imperative even if it’s a one-night stand.
If you need help with figuring out what you are passionate about, you can contact me on my email “Stacy@DrStacy.org” for setting up an appointment or find me at DrStacyFriedman.com. You have to be ready to have a conversation about your desires and compare them with the needs of your partner. Sure, it will take a lot of heart and courage to have that conversation. Maybe you think your partner will judge you. If that is the case then at least you will know and use that information to make decisions or maybe find someone who you share more in common with.
